In defense of interstitial time: How to grow life in the in-between moments

Two women and a man walking along a groyne, ca. 1930

For those of you who prefer to read off paper rather than the screen, I have converted the post into an easily printable pdf file.

In defense of interstitial time: How to grow life in the in-between moments

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Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that's the stuff life is made of.

―Benjamin Franklin

Our time-saving devices have turned on us. Instead of offering us more of life, they are eating up not just large swaths of our day, but also all the little in-between moments that used to be reserved to rest, reflect, and simply be. They obliterate the interstitial moments that hold life together.¹

We’ve entered an upside-down world where we scroll to relax, but feel more anxious and irritable. We’re continuously entertained by people/topics/places/ ideas that seem far more interesting than what is happening in our home. We have grown so accustomed to bite-sized highs that our ordinary life has flat-lined. We feel more alone because we spend most of time alone, staring at a screen.

In spite of our best intentions, we are never just quickly dipping online. We switch universes designed by “attention engineers” who hotwire casino psychology into social media feeds², delving dangerously near to black holes where time is literally warped.³

Not only is our lifeblood draining away incrementally, every time we turn our face toward a screen, we are sending a message to ourselves, our children, and anyone around us about which universe truly matters. And reality is losing.

Is it any wonder that children and youth are increasingly turning to synthetic AI “relationships”⁴ when they feel that we are simply not present?

Our frenetic switching between universes not only consumes our time, but it depletes and degrades precious resources that we require for real-life relationships: patience, empathy, awareness, and emotional regulation.⁵ This loss is especially detrimental if you are a parent of young children.

We all feel it, and many of us want to resist, but struggle to imagine how. Like this young mother who wrote to us:

I am wondering if you have any advice for mothers of young children who sink into the online world during the brief breaks of the day. Moments of rest with two children under two are hard to find--especially moments that last longer than two minutes. I find it easiest to escape into the short-term gratification of my iphone. I know that I shouldn't do this, and that it's harmful to myself and my relationship with my children in a myriad of ways, but I struggle to imagine/desire other ways to fill my short bursts of free time.

In today’s post I’ll offer practical guidance for how you can grow life in the in-between moments. Uniquely our suggestions do not involve a major “detox” (although you can start there if you prefer), but a commitment to remain in the same mind-space as the reality around you.

I crowdsourced suggestions from dozens of fellow writers and readers who have experienced the struggle of digital fetters and are striving to remain present.

I summarized this guidance into three key steps —remove, rest, remain— compiled a printable pdf guide of “Interstitial Time Seeds” below, and also included a selection of helpful reflections from contributors. A tremendous THANK YOU to everyone who responded to our request for input!

1. Remove

Newspaper Salesman, English photographer, ca. 1960

Having a smartphone with you is akin to carrying around a sycophant salesman hawking his wares he knows you’ll fall for.

I don’t own a cell phone, and will only take my husband’s along with me on long drives for emergency. It is a deliberate choice to keep my mind unencumbered, and I can assure you that even having access to a computer is a challenge.

Countless readers have lamented the near impossibility of resisting temptation when a phone is nearby. Thus, the first and most helpful step is to either downgrade your smartphone, or keep it as far from you as possible when at home.

“Early parenthood is when my smartphone use went off the rails…In my case the only thing that truly helped me overcome this addiction was switching to a flip phone, which I did over a year ago when my kids were about 3 and 5ish (I really wish I’d done it when they were even younger because I missed out on so much). I had to remove the option to scroll to free myself to make better use of my time in those sporadic, un-plannable, usually brief breaks from active parenting. Christina Dinur.” ⁶

Here are some helpful starting points:

• Lightphone (see Katherine Martinko’s interview with the creators of the “anti-smartphone”)

  “My biggest solution has been the Light Phone. I still have a paid off smartphone that I use a lot, but the Light Phone allows me to turn it off, or only use it for music, during the day when my kids are around.”

  Katie Marquette

• Brick. “Not to try and sell something, but I bought a Brick for my phone, and blocked every possible app and website that I could want to pick up for my phone for. It’s an amazing tool, I couldn’t recommend it enough. My phone screen time is down to about an hour a day.” Emma Evatt

• Get a landline (see Priscilla Harvey’s The Corded Comeback).

• Leave your phone behind. “On a more practical level, not carrying my phone around with me helps. If it's on the kitchen counter when I sit down to nurse our youngest, I literally cannot grab it.” Jamie Rindler

  “Much of my work (and what I enjoy) is online, so I cultivate that time more specifically — like the last half hour of nap time, or right now in the morning, while the kids have ‘wake up time’ (juice in their rooms with books) and I log onto Substack, read news articles, catch up Whatsapp memos. Then the phone will go away for the rest of the morning.” Katie Marquette

• “Design your life for the behavior you want to enact. Why do you sink into your iPhone? Because it’s handy—it’s right there when you have two minutes. What does it take to keep a book just as handy?” Aaron Long

• Make screens irrelevant in your home. If you want to reorient your home away from screens and toward humans, our visual guide for Architecture for a Free Mind will offer inspiration.

• Children are masterful observers. They see what we repeatedly pay attention to, they note what objects we hold dear⁷, and they will long to mirror every move we make. By downgrading or removing your smartphone you are not only freeing your mind, but are laying tracks for your children to follow.

2. Rest

Couple on a Subway, New York City, 1946 by Stanley Kubrick

They teach us to value efficiency above all and to be suspicious of idle time, when we should see idle moments as opportunities for reflection and renewal.

Christine Rosen

Breathe.

Pray.

Daydream.

Quiet time for your mind is never wasted.

Christine Rosen reports that researchers have found, “numerous positive effects of a wandering mind”, which psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman summarized as follows: “self-awareness, creative incubation, improvisation and evaluation, memory consolidation, autobiographical planning, goal driven thought, future planning, retrieval of deeply personal memories, reflective consideration of the meaning of events and experiences, moral reasoning, and reflective compassion.”

• As a young mother I cannot remember anything more refreshing than napping alongside my baby. As our kids got older, I’d still lie down on the couch in the afternoon for a while, simply resting and thinking.

• “Rest! Ten minutes on the couch with your feet up can be amazingly restorative. Lots of deep breathing, a quiet prayer or two, and you're ready for the next round.” Amy Anderson

• “Remember that time online (especially on social media) can make you anxious. It’s not restorative time at all, which is what you really need in those quiet moments anyway.” Emily Harrison

3. Remain: Interstitial Time Seeds

The Capital, Washington D.C. 1957 photo by Henri Cartier-Bresson from “The Early Prints”

What follows is an alphabetized list of “Interstitial Time Seeds”, simple, short activities contributed by Substack writers and readers, that help you remain fully present wherever you may be during those in-between moments, resulting in greater rest, fruitfulness, and a deeper sense of connection with the place and people around you.

Below you will also find accompanying reflections from contributors on: dipping into books, commonplace notes, creating, walking, and doing bite-sized housework.

If you’d like to add some of your own suggestions, I’d love to hear from you in the comment section!

You can download the printable list to stick on your fridge, or click on the image to read online.

Interstitial Time Seeds

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Dip into books

Couple Reading on Beach, Coney Island, c. 1910-21 by William David Hassler

• “Keeping a book on hand — light reading, so that you can dip in and out — is something that helped me when my kids were all young.” Dixie Dillon Lane

• “I always travel with at least two books on me. The ratio to them coming in handy to them not coming in handy is pretty dismal, but Lord knows I’m not gonna stop doing it. Even if you only have time to catch a literal half a page, it’s still so much more refreshing than scrolling.” Griffin Gooch

• “Epistolary type novels lend themselves to interruptions.” Carol Hudson

• “Look for pocket-sized editions of books you want to read. A pocket-sized edition is almost as tiny as your phone. Poetry comes in chapbooks, but so do famous, challenging, life-of-the-mind titles like Harry Frankfurt’s On Truth or Steven Pressfield’s The War of Art. I like grabbing a poem here and there because invariably I find a line that stands out to me, a puzzle of sorts, and then I reflect on it as I go about my work…If you can’t help reaching for your phone, hack the impulse by creating a playlist of good audiobooks.” Aaron Long

• “I have found that reading ebooks is helpful but lately have been longing for physical copies. As a result, I’ve started to come to the conclusion that I need something in every room my kids and I frequent. If they are playing nicely in my son’s room and my book/craft is in the living room, I’m out of luck.” Erin Rhodes

Commonplace Notes

• “I have a 3×5 notecard set on a ring, that fits in my pocket the same as my phone. It contains recipes (so I can plan a meal as Jamie Rindler said), as well as copied hymns or psalms I am trying to memorize, or quotes, like a commonplace book. A couple of minutes with that is always helpful in my home with five (relatively) little ones.” Leah

• “Read a Psalm, practice something I’m trying to learn by heart, read a poem.”Carol Hudson

• “We keep little field note notebooks for ourselves and the kids, though most of the kids doodles at this age are merely expressive strokes which is fine.” Steven Foster

• If you’d like to start memorizing poetry, but are not sure where to start, Mensa’s A Year of Living Poetically has you covered: How to memorize a poem in a few simple steps (really). You can download a pdf of the following poems here.

Create

Woman knitting on a subway by Stanley Kubrick, 1946

• “It can help to always be working on making something beautiful. One tiny bit at a time. Makes you feel human! It can be sketching or watercolors or gardening or sewing or clay or whittling or whatever, but if you can accept doing it verrrrry slowly you will find that you can be very creative even while you have young children, and you will have the pleasure of growing in a skill over time, too.” Dixie Dillon Lane

• “Keeping crafts/ handiwork actually handy is key for me, as well as giving myself permission to engage with projects that aren’t “perfect” or “lasting.” Doing a bit of collage “just for fun” that I then throw away isn’t a waste of time.” Kerri Christopher

• “If you don’t have a nursing baby and you are okay with completing one row at a time, knitting is a great choice! I stick to easy patterns so I can work without having to focus too hard.” Helena Romano

• “I am an artist and I have six kids. I took up Art journaling as a way to keep my creativity flowing even when busy with day to day stuff. A little collage here, a little paint there, it all builds up overtime and I end up with a beautiful page that often expresses something I’m feeling or processing.” Sarah D

• “I’d say what makes doing many of these things simple is that many of them are things I can easily get into/out of as the need arises. We don’t always have a puzzle going, for instance, but often, and if it’s just out on a table, anyone can pop in a piece or several when they walk by. Our piano is located in our front room, which we travel through a gazillion times a day to go from bedrooms/bathroom to family room/kitchen area, so it’s easy to sit down and play a tune. My thought is that if something is centrally located/visible, it’s an activity that will happen more frequently.” Melisa Capistrant

Walk

• “I’ve been randomly going on walks a lot more too. Not long ones, just little short bursts. If I have a break at work, I just get up and walk the block. Today when I had some free time I even pulled over just to walk a beautiful street I saw for approximately 6 minutes. Not a waste at all.” Griffin Gooch

• “Try to walk outside & look at the sky & feel the breeze. It sounds simple because it is, but it will give you a sense of peace & calm.” Emily Harrison

• The Walking Rebellion: Restoring the Mind at Three Miles an Hour

Do bite-sized housework

• “Do one tiny task, emphasis on tiny. Don't try to deep clean the bathroom, but can you wipe the counter and sink? Retrieve and sort the mail? Start one load of laundry? These small things help you keep your head above water and chaos at bay.” Amy Anderson

• “Do some meal prep, start some bread dough or something that can be left if I get interrupted. Do some hand washing, fold clothes, clean the kitchen sink…” Carol Hudson

• “I also spend a good amount of time looking at my meal plan/food inventory list on the fridge and ruminating on what to cook later… sometimes I can do a 2 min prep task like getting out the nonperishable dinner ingredients.”

  Elizabeth Burtman

• “I’ve deliberately starting doing housework in slower ways, in part so that those little minute here, minute there bits of time are taken up by doing things other than being on my phone/laptop. So I hang clothes on a drying rack to air dry, handwash dishes, am constantly wiping down the kitchen counter, food prep in a way that deliberately takes longer, etc. I’m sure cleaning is the last thing moms of littles want to be doing/wouldn’t consider that “restful”, but I love it—anything to be doing stuff with my hands and avoiding the digital void.” Olivia Marstall

For even more practical ideas to keep you grounded in reality see:

My handwritten notes in fountain pen, compiling forty printed pages of suggestions from readers.

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If we long to shed the invasive, synthetic universe that ensnares us, we can begin with a commitment to remain present wherever we are, to be ready to meet eyes that look at us, and in doing so affirm a shared, immediate reality.⁸ Whether we are a parent or not, what we choose to do in interstitial moments sends a powerful message to everyone around us.

In-between moments may only last a few minutes, but when you add them up over the course of a day, it’s like a second life hidden in plain sight. All we need to start, is to shift our perspective.

Eva Doing a Handstand, ca. 1920s by Frederick (attr. to) Barnard

I would love to discuss all these thoughts with you at our kitchen table over a cup of coffee. The next best thing would be for you to let me know that you are there — share your reflections or suggestions in the comments, share the post with your friends, or simply give a like — so that my writing feels a bit more like a conversation and less like a soliloquy.

Until next time,

P.S: Paying subscribers are heartily invited to connect with me for a 40 min one-on-one chat or exchange letters! See here for details or just send me a message:

Further Reading

• On the Death of Daydreaming by Christine Rosen

• How Social Media Shortens Your Life by Gurwinder

Continually dividing your attention between two worlds means you can never fully settle in either, creating constant anxiety and stress. And when attention is constantly switching between concurrent tasks, it imposes a “switch-cost effect” that can make people lose track of time. Thus, by constantly interrupting you, social media platforms can impair your awareness and shorten your days even while you’re not on them, so that you end up scrolling through the real world as shallowly as the virtual one.

• Artificial Intimacy: The Next Giant Social Experiment on Young Minds by

  Kristina Lerman and David Duc Chu for After Babel

• They can’t code this Paul Kingsnorth in conversation with Caroline Ross in his new series The Machine Sessions.

1. See The Lost Art of Waiting by Christine Rosen

2. See How Social Media Shortens Your Life by Gurwinder

3. “Now, a sinister thing about social media is that it speeds up your time both in the moment and in retrospect. It does this by simultaneously impairing your awareness of the present and your memory of the past.” Gurwinder

4. See Artificial Intimacy: The Next Giant Social Experiment on Young Minds by Kristina Lerman and David Duc Chu for After Babel

5. See On the Death of Daydreaming by Christine Rosen

6. See Christina Dinur’s post 5 Best Things About Ditching My Smartphone in 2024

7. The toddler in this iPhone ad clearly knows what is dearest to his parent…

8.