Letters From the Unconformed

A tsunami of content, distinguishing the "urgent", and navigating tech in community

Girl Reading at the Open Window (detail) by Johannes Vermeer, 1657-1659

Peco and I are currently working on an in-depth article on the promises and perils of the Machine based on some recent encounters with a NASA researcher, a quantum physicist, and an Orthodox priest, among others. If you have not already done so, take a moment for our 60-second poll to add your perspective on the biggest hopes and dangers of digital technology!

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At the beginning of the year,

Peco

and I asked our readers three questions in relation to devices or any new/emerging technologies:

What is your problem? What is your fear? What is your hope?

We received an outpouring of replies, both in the comments section and via e-mail, and will endeavour to respond to the issues raised in our essays as well as via our new series “Letters From the Unconformed”.

This occasional series will feature more of an informal "kitchen table” tone and include our experiences, guest responses, and occasional interviews. Importantly, the comments section will also allow for an open forum for readers to add their reflections to the questions posed. We hope that this rich cross-fertilization will provide ample considerations that help address the issues of concern to our readers.

“Drowning” in a tsunami of content

Fishing Boats at Choshi in Shimosa by Hokusai, 1828-1838

My problem is that I am drowning in content which feeds my inability to properly focus. I love Substack except I find I have about 20 paid or unpaid subscriptions so find it impossible to give each the attention it calls for. To make it real, imagine if you will, being stood in a crowd of writers all trying at the same time to hand you their essay . . . which leads to 2. My fear . . . that I will drown in content and miss the One Thing necessary even by reading content warning me about this . . . As I spend time in the stillness of my surroundings, the contrast with the mental fragmentation, full of noise and much fury is stark. It’s like a severe case of mental tinnitus. To a certain extent, to pick up on Paul Kingsnorth and Ivan Illych, it is an assault on the (to my mind) fundamental Commons, Silence…All this can lead to a deep alienation from Reality - or God indeed. -E.

Dear E.,

I (Ruth) like your image of a crowd of writers all pressing their work into your hand. For many of us you may even add to the scene: fending off the writers while children are pulling at pant-legs, food is boiling on the stove, the laundry buzzer going, all while we should actually be on our way already to drop someone off or pick someone up, yet would really like to know what these well-reasoned articles are saying. I think your observation makes clear that we are simply not made for this much content.

We are limited beings, with limited time, and limited attention. If we are to reduce or avoid “mental tinnitus”, we need to simply be willing not to know, and recognize that that is necessary for our serenity and sanity.

A comparable situation Peco and I have frequently witnessed is the accidental activity overload that parents encounter because they are continually reminded that their child could get ahead by attending a course in coding, expand their creativity with circus class, or develop their classical music appreciation with cello lessons. What parents are not reminded of, is the resulting hurried drives after school, rushed meals to get to lessons, and the scattered or diluted family time.

The actual content of the myriad of essays could be superior, just as the content of these extracurricular classes could be splendid; but if it results in a mental tsunami or hurried, stressed family life, I would choose limitation. This is just as true for individuals. As a family, I would rather spend time at the park playing, eating a leisurely meal, or working on a project together than running off to a series of classes. As a reader overwhelmed by online content, I would aim to set a clear limit to calm the mental storm and connect to the reality around me. In responding to this question, this section from an earlier post, Reawakening to the Freedom of Limits seemed fitting:

But I would suggest that in order to resist the dehumanizing effect of the Machine, it is necessary to draw a line. To create a frame around what defines our humanness. We need to fiercely protect these lines that the Machine continually tries to encroach upon. Yet, once the frame is defined, it is much easier to defend it. How can you protect something if you cannot even clearly see its defining contours?

Peco’s Pilgrim’s Creed, provides a solid foundation not only for anchoring our core meanings in life in the age of the Machine, but also a frame for technology’s role in our lives:

I believe in cognitive liberty, which is the freedom to concentrate, reason, remember, feel, imagine, perceive, and use language, without manipulation or control by others or technology.

It was abundantly evident in readers’ experiences that limits effected freedom. The most natural analogy that came to my mind during the detox was marriage. Marriage provides a clear frame —we commit to one person, love, forgive, compromise, and grow together. This is life-giving.

If we approach digital minimalism as we do marriage, with full commitment, yet a willingness to forgive, we can resist the Machine in a more steadfast way. We may at times grow weak or slip, but we can remain fully committed. It is normal to go through struggles or difficulties, but it does not change our fundamental resolve.

Draw lines you can believe in. Commit to returning to what makes us essentially human, even if at times you fail. Reawaken to the the freedom of limits.

The Great Wave off Kanagawa by Hokusai, 1831

Adding a more specific concern in relation to content overload,

Keith Lowery

posed the following question:

What is your problem? I think it is rightly distinguishing between concerns that are TRULY urgent, and concerns that the online community wants me to FEEL urgent about. The high dudgeon that online communities expect their participants to maintain is simply not sustainably consistent with mental and emotional health. And so being able to distinguish histrionics from issues of genuine and practical concern is a big deal I think.

Keith actually composed a response to his own question in his post: Finding Cognitive Liberty -When the internet feels like a full-time job. At the core, he concluded:

First, I must accept my own cognitive finitude. I must concede that there are just some things I can’t or won’t know. The words “I don’t know” should come out of my mouth and off my keyboard more often. There are only so many hours in the day and it is just inescapably the case that I must choose what to attend to and what to ignore. This invariably means being less reactive to provocations that show up in my inbox and on my news feed.

…Second, I must learn to recognize when the thing I am being nudged toward attending to has nothing to do with my actual life, or is something over which I have no actual control or influence.

…And third, I think we should unreservedly lean into “creaturely pursuits”, making them the bellwether which guides our assessment of those clamoring digital diversions.

Keith Lowery

’s observation that much of the overwhelming content has nothing to do with our own life (or within our control), taps into the crux of the matter. Part of taming the fury and fragmentation in our mind, will have to start with simply prioritizing focus to matters of “home”.

Hadden Turner

expressed this idea most perfectly in his recent article Where You Are Is Where You Are:

As Wendell Berry wisely once said “Do you think it could be a general rule that the only place one is urgently needed is at home?” The more I have pondered these wise words, the more heartily I find myself answering “yes”.

It is worth repeating that by failing to realise, appreciate, and accept that we are where we are, we overlook what is right in front of us — the very things which should be of utmost importance. These are the objects and realities, the people and places, and norms and institutions that make up our every day. They directly influence our lives, and we, through the relationships and actions we form, directly influence them. The health (or otherwise) of our local community and local wildlife significantly affects and directly concerns us. We must realise that their health or degeneracy is, in part, caused by our local actions. Our responsibility for those things, peoples and creatures that make up our place should be obvious — bluntly so. These are the relationships by which our life will be judged, these are the places, buildings, stories, and habitats we will hand down to the next generation, and these are the places and things which bear our name. But, in this modern, rootless age we too easily forget this. And our eyes, oh, how they do wander…

…No individual can hope to change something which is so beyond his or her capacity — as fundamentally limited creatures we simply do not have the time, energy, or mental power to sometimes get out of bed in the morning let alone change the world.

…You are not responsible for the whole world — far from it. But you are responsible for the local places in front of you: the local people who you relate to, the unique buildings, art, and beauty that you enjoy every day, and the local environments and habitats that surround the place you dwell. Where you are is where you are — and what you are responsible for. This is a burden heavy enough for us. This is a burden that matches our limitations. This is a burden that we can faithfully discharge. And this is a burden that will present us with a lifetime of opportunities for doing good.

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“How to navigate community life with my kids…”

Figures in a Park by Ludovic Vallée

Biggest Problem(s): Learning how to navigate community life with my kids when there is such a varying degree of opinions on technology. My kids are just becoming aware that (some) of their classmates have iPads/video games etc. and I don’t want it to be a constant source of contention. I also don’t know how to navigate it smoothly with other parents in a social setting. But I am very wary of circling the wagons or isolating ourselves (if you run in Christian circles long enough you know how toxic this can become). My other biggest problem is my own technology use and how I know I will appear hypocritical when my kids catch on that mom seems to use her phone a lot but limits their technology use!! 😬 -K.

Dear K.,

GivenDixie Dillon Lane’s recent exploration of this very issue, I invited her to add her perspective to this question. Here are the considerations she has to share from her experience with her own children (currently ages 4-12):

What a complex and common problem this is. How can we and our children remain active members of our wider communities when we are rejecting something that is so often at the center of interaction? Not to mention that many parents rely on tech both to entertain their kids and to help educate their kids, and may feel judged if we do something differently in a public way or talk about it publicly. Nobody likes a spoilsport.

First, be as friendly as you can when tech stuff comes up. A warm voice, a joke or two, and open body language goes a long way. Then, in this context, stick to your guns but try not to act nervous or overly vehement about your tech decision. Just state your rule when needed, and move on. Don't focus on what you don't do ("We never let our kids use a tablet!") but focus on what you do ("Letting the kids use tablets regularly tends to cut into the outdoor time and reading time that we really love, so we generally don't allow them to use that kind of tech" or even "The one time I let my kid play games on the tablet while we were grocery shopping, she was a holy terror for the rest of the day! So we try to use books and other distractions instead"). 

Pretty much everyone agrees that things like reading and outdoor play and doing crafts are good for kids, even if they also embrace heavy tech use. Focus on those things being good instead of implying that what others are doing with their kids in terms of tech is bad (even if you think that it is).  Be as warm and generous and inviting as you can be.

Second, make a project of wooing your friends and your kids' friends into the tech-free things you enjoy. There is a time and a place for conversations about tech, and these can be very fruitful, but they seem to work best with people you already know well. So instead, if you want to be living in community more, try to woo the techies along with the tech resistors! 

If you put out a jar of honey, the flies will come to it of their own accord. So, for example, you may have a rule at your house that kids' phone go in a drawer in the kitchen when the kids come over to play. But if you also have lots of great snack food and a trampoline, the kids won't care a bit. They will want to come to your house. They want to have fun! If you can carve out a place in your budget for pizza for 7-year-olds twice a month, you will be the (no-tech) party house soon enough. Kids will gladly accept a no-phones-in-this-house rule in exchange for pizza and Chinese checkers. Show them that life without tech is a good life. 

The same goes for adults. Even adults who are entrenched in tech use in every aspect of life tend to know on some level that tech-free things can be very enjoyable. Tap into that by being the one to invite your friends on a hike (where there may not be cell service!) or whatever it is that you like to do. 

In other words, offer to share the goods that you have instead of emphasizing what you refuse to do. Don't do more than you can handle -- most of us are tired and overworked and have limited budgets, which is a discussion for another day -- but set up a place and some good food and a cheerful attitude and nobody will miss the Wii.

As to the question of your own technology use: well, it sounds like your personal tech use is not perfect. Neither is mine. This is something to work on -- and luckily, Ruth and Peco and others in this community have written some very practical advice about this -- but I want to encourage you not to let your continuing personal struggles in this area get you down. Don't let fact that you haven't yet achieved your goal in your own tech use make you forget about all the good things you are doing in this area for yourself and your family already. You are thinking about this all and trying to find good solutions. You are restricting your kids' tech use.You are probably reading to them and helping them to play outside and all sorts of good things. Go check out Ruth and Peco's seed catalogue post, if you haven't already, and you may see that you are already doing some of the things on there.

In any case, kids are good motivators -- as a parent, it's easier to get yourself to do something hard for their benefit than for your own. If you can spend some time thinking about what to add before you subtract, you may see some movement in a positive direction in your personal tech use soon, too. 

Finally, you can model accepting good advice. If you notice you are on your phone to much or your kid says something to you about it, say, "Wow, yes, I need to put this down. I'm sorry! You can see how addictive these things can be." That way you can all help each other as the kids grow.

As Dixie mentioned, this question taps at a frequently-raised concern that Peco and I will continue to explore in more depth. One helpful consideration I would add is that children often register where your heart is in the matter. If they sense hesitancy or uncertainty on your part, they will reflect that uncertainty, and continuous contentions may ensue.

There are many lines that parents draw for their children that differ from other families, including for example: consumption of junk food, clothing choices, participation in church, languages spoken at home, bed times - the list of daily decisions goes on endlessly. Children take your cue on “these are the choices our family makes”.

Our family is “unusual” in many respects in that we also speak Swiss-German and Macedonian at home, homeschool, and have rules around tech use that differ significantly from other families (especially when the children were younger). Yet, our children simply grew to accept these distinctives as a “normal” part of their life. Importantly we learned to be comfortable in simply being “different” without feeling the need to “circle the wagons”.

We will share more on navigating community life with tech in an upcoming post with Tessa Carman who spoke at the Front Porch Republic conference on “The Joy of Tech Resistance”.

For some concrete ideas see:

Also,

Mary Harrington

recently published a piece on “reversing social atomization” that resonates here as well:

You Need To Be Cringemaxxing

 L'Après-midi au parc Montsouris by Ludovic Vallée, 1919

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We hope that these responses to “Letters From the Unconformed” offered some hopeful considerations that begin to address these thoughtful questions, and would like to invite readers to offer their perspectives as well.

What do you think? What considerations would you add? Please join the open forum in the comment section!

Until next time,

Ruth and Peco

If you found this post helpful (or hopeful), and if you would like to support our work of putting together a book on “The Making of UnMachine Minds”, please consider supporting our work by becoming a paid subscriber, or simply show your appreciation with a like, restack, or share.

Finally, don’t forget to take the 60-second poll before it closes on Friday!