I have the same questions about the "delay screens" approach. It is a good place to start -- deciding that our kids should not have these types of screens right now -- but as someone who does not use a smartphone, I am not comfortable with the idea that using a smartphone eventually will be a given for my children. As adults, they will of course choose for themselves. But while I have often thought that giving a kid a phone at, say, 16, and then supervising how they learn to use it, has some wisdom, I have also wondered to myself whether it would be better to try to convince them to adopt a dumbphone instead as the "adult" type of phone access rather than presuming that they will eventually get a smartphone and so it ought to be while they are still under my roof/close influence.
The difference of opinion here is about whether to "accept' a certain kind of lifestyle as inevitable or try to give our kids wisdom about what a good life might look like. Kdis will make their own decisions as adults but why presume that this decision will be "I will use a smartphone" or "I will use a smartphone without restriction?"
My own kids have been commenting recently about ways they might restrict their computer and cell phone use as adults. This is unprompted by me -- I guess it's just something that my older kids are beginning to think about as they grow and as they observe the decisions my husband and I make (for ourselves and on behalf of the whole family). My 13-year-old does not *want* a phone...I don't want to teach her to want one.
Also: when we built an addition onto our home a few years ago, we thought a lot about this family focal point ("altar"). We built the addition in order to house a fireplace and a piano, along with seating and a big dining table. Especially in the colder months, this is the natural gathering space for our family and for guests, and the focal points are A) the hearth, B) the artwork and crucifix above the hearth, and C) the piano, all of which are arranged together. I think (hope!) that this directs us toward good ways of spending time together.
Even though I understand the convenience of it, I hate to see a TV mounted above a fireplace. It means that you can't enjoy the hearthside without also seeing the TV right there, even if it is off.
Great points all around Dixie! I think that many young people are growing more aware of the negative impact of continuous and disruptive online access in their hands and long for freedom from this involuntary dependance. Our sixteen-year old still has no phone at all and does not feel the need for one. He gets by perfeclty fine with our landline:)
Having your kids already being conscientious about their usage of technology and developing plans for self-regulation sounds like you've already been spared some future headaches. Nationally, even globally, there's been decline in impulse control, so having your kids being this aware this early is definitely a blessing.
Also sounds like you've built a really nice and cozy altar; hopefully the piano is seeing good use.
We are at my parents house right now and they have a big tv over their gas fireplace. We have no tv and only watch shows on a family iPad that can be put away. Our fireplace mantle is our prayer corner, so our fireplace in surrounded by icons. Our hearth is a gathering place that transcends time and space. In contrast, a TV steals the power of the hearth as a place for gathering!
This is the useful insight we can take from many of the Amish: that their default is to reject new technology, and wait to see its effect on the "English" first.
For example, they saw that when people got cars, they stopped visiting neighbours on the weekend, and instead drove to another town. So cars broke up relationships with neighbours and the hometown's community. Whereas tractors can't really be driven to the next town, but are useful in farming. This is why some of the Amish will have tractors, but not cars - it's not the internal combustion engine they object to, but the breakdown in community.
It begins with you and me. More powerful than you think.
When I was a teenager I said I'd be happy to be a stay at home father. I was told I was gay, etc. Nowadays it's still unusual but doesn't really raise eyebrows.
I think of how thirty years ago I was friends with some gay people, and not even they talked about gay marriage. It wasn't asked for and rejected, it wasn't even asked for. And now?
Thirty years ago only hippies had solar panels, now it's a sign of middle class status, since you have to own your own home to put them up, and have some spare cash.
Lots of things seem radical until they become ordinary. Live your life as you think it's be good for everyone to live, and act as though it's normal.
I would love to see the picture too, if you'd be willing to share! The first thing I thought when I re-read that quote in this post was, "we really need to hang that up somewhere in our house."
This week a guest visiting our home for the first time suddenly said “I’ve just realized why this room is so peaceful! There’s no TV in here!” I was so glad because I have tried so hard to cultivate peacefulness in hospitality.
I know this is only an option for folks with land, but I can't speak highly enough of our decision to have our home office in an outbuilding. Our computers (and I don't have a smartphone) are out of sight, and out of mind in the home environment, and one needs to 'go to work' by going outside and walking to the office to get access. No TV in the home, either - and it's so helpful in nurturing our children's imagination that their stories come in the form of books or of old-fashioned oral tradition storytelling.
I agree about the limits of the 'delay' approach. Why not build a different, more soulful way of life instead?
That is such an excellent idea! Our teenage son has actually converted our garden shed into a mini study studio, complete with a cot, small table, chair, and shelves, where he goes to complete his work when he wants to be free from distraction. Also, I fully agree with the direction of building a "different, more soulful way of life". Thanks for sharing Mark :)
I can personally vouch for an app called ScreenZen for anyone looking to reduce mobile phone screen time. It offers a lot of options and settings for limiting or even blocking apps, making it easy to ease into the habit of looking at your phone less and less. It's been a big help for me in cutting that particular tech cord.
> What is the altar of your home? Does it reflect what you want to be at the center of your focus?
The focal points of our living room are the bookshelves, the big picture window, and the piano, which sometimes surprises folks who look around for a TV 😆 Our big kitchen table is another highlight of our home for me (I’m always a bit confused and saddened when we visit a home that doesn’t have a table large enough for even the members of the household to sit down to a meal together). We used to have a hanging display over the table of cards we’ve received in the mail, but it needs to be re-hung thanks to young kids and cats…
Sounds lovely :) We just purchased a Mennonite-made table that extends up to ten feet and can seat 18 people! It will be a great motivator to hosts some fall feasts :)
Over the course of reading this Substack, I've finally achieved my longtime goal of making the switch from an iPhone to a flip phone. The flip phone lives on its dock in the kitchen, and lights up obviously when I receive a text or call, so there's no need to pick it up to "check" anything.
I weaned myself off of my iPhone in stages. Many people tell me that they wish they could stop using a smart phone, but they need (or "need") it for particular reasons. I encourage them to start by deleting anything that isn't on that list of needs. And then keep trimming, step by step, starting with things that can be done on a laptop/desktop (eg, email). Another helpful switch is to turn your display to grayscale, which makes the phone incredibly dull to look at. (I should add that I quit social media years ago-- perhaps that is the very very first step.)
It is important to remember that one reason we bought into the idea of having a smart phone is because they truly are convenient, which means that not having one will often be inconvenient, at least in the short term. If you don't have one, there are going to be things that you just can't do anymore, or perhaps you will need to use a different tool (a cd player? a camera? a calculator?). There is always a trade-off. What is most important to you in the long run?
For those ready to make the leap, I like my flip phone from Sunbeam Wireless. I chose a model with voice-to-text (an extra fee of $40 per year), touch screen, and maps and weather. Sunbeam allows you to choose which features you want on your phone, and which ones you don't.
Next step...stop spending too much time on Substack. ;)
Rachel, so glad to hear that you have found some practical encouragement from our writing and that it has led to real life changes. Thanks also for sharing your specific suggestions!
I really enjoyed this piece, Ruth! I'm a long-time reader and one thing I've done more intentionally since joining these conversations around home & tech is simply to keep "handiwork" more handy! (For me in this season, that looks like cross-stich or colored pencils and a coloring book.) If reaching for something is easy, I'm more likely to do it. We have books strewn everywhere, but if I've been reading or writing all day, I need something else to do in the evening.
Right now in our main room we have a beautiful "drinks cabinet", on top of which sits flowers and pictures of our beloved dead. Above it is an icon. I love that this piece is visually pleasing, spiritually uplifting, and holds the wine and glasses with which we serve our guests. It feels very Catholic. :)
I believe in the value of a family table, and I've always tried to own tables that can be extended to seat large groups, but I also want to speak up for those of us for whom square footage is at an absolute premium! :) We are likely going to be moving to a tiny cottage with only one (very small!) main room and a galley kitchen: there's simply no place for a table *and* comfortable seating. But this doesn't mean we don't plan to host people or foster good conversations over drinks. That can be done with or without a table! I mention this only because sometimes online it can feel like one has to conform - but as you've shared in this piece and elsewhere, it takes some creative thought to live outside the box. :)
Thanks so much for adding your thoughts here Kerri :) Sounds like you have a very pleasing and meaningful focal point in your home. Also, I appreciate your comment about space, and how it does not need to limit our ability to host gatherings. We have some lovely friends in an outport in Newfoundland who hosted the most wonderful parties in their tiny two-room home (one room downstairs and one upstairs). The table was simply pushed to the wall and contained a splendid spread of food and everyone would simply grab a spot on a stool, chair, couch, or armrest. We spent some of our most "convivial" evenings in that tiny house by the ocean :)
There needs to be time without electronic interruption, and other time of work/research/communication, also without interruption. Smartphones are just wrong because they are both intrusive and inadequate, but set to give those little bits of quick positive feedback, TRAINING US to respond to them.
Laptop, flip-phone, no texts, vegetable gardens, bike-rides.... Separated.
When you don't text, people don't call much, either.
I note that the World Health Organization and others have some guidelines around screen time for children. However, they have none at all for adults. This is like having dietary and exercise guidelines for children, but not adults. Surely if something is good or bad for children, it's good or bad for adults, too?
This is, of course, a separate question to the content of those screens.
I am currently dipping into a book on the history of food and governmental regulations around it. It is notable that industry continually managed to push back around health guidelines so that we can only talk about "nutrients" but not specific foods being good/bad for you. I can only imagine the immense pushback around suggested screen time limits given the immense profit connected to keeping eyeballs on devices.
Nonetheless, the health guidelines are there. In most countries they’re presented in an overly-complex way, but that’s not the fault of the food industry, it’s just that it was all designed by committees, and people who are experts in health, not communication.
For example, in Australia a “serve” of fruit is 150g, and a “serve” of vegetables is 75g. Why the difference? Well, I tracked down the document summarising their reassessment of the guidelines, which they do every decade or so, it was over 400 pages. I’m probably the only person without a PhD in nutrition who bothered reading it all. Anyway, the Australian guidelines derived from American guidelines and data. When I dug into that, I learned that the US had a committee for vegetables, and a separate committee for fruit, and they argued what a “serve” should be - they eventually compromised and at least made one an integral multiple of the other.
I like the Japanese guidelines. They talk about “green”, “yellow” and “red” foods - fruit/vegetables, starchy stuff, and protein-rich stuff like meat, fish and dairy. Beans fit in all three.
Start with a small plate with an even balance of the three. If you want to lose weight, reduce the yellow. If you do endurance stuff, increase the yellow. If your guts don’t work well or you lack energy, increase the green. If you lift weights, increase the red.
And obviously, fresh ingredients are better than processed ones. An apple is better than apple juice, or a fruit bar. A steak is better than a meat pie. Wholegrains better than ground up into sludge. We know all this already.
And that’s how you communicate with people - tell them what they already know.
“Is it better to have more fresh fruit and vegies, or less?”
“Is it better to have more meat, fish and beans, or less?”
“Is it better to have more wholegrain, or more stuff ground to mush?”
“Is it better to have more soft drinks and booze, or less?”
“Is it better to go for a walk every day, or sit on your arse all day?”
People know this already. Tell them what they already know, and they might do it. Tell them a bunch of muddled stuff and nobody will do it.
However, I'm not sure how to get people around me to understand this reality, never mind just acknowledging it. It's kind of exasperating to observe and see how deep the tentacles of the machines have already grown on my fellow human beings. And these are not strangers, no. They're family, close friends.
Great article! As someone who found the tips from After Babel to be fairly hackneyed in this regard it's nice to see a much more in-depth look at the implementations.
One question I would ask, that I have not seen commonly raised, is for advice in dealing with kids whose favorite/main hobbies are screen-based, like digital art, programming, music, etc. It feels like kids these days have less hobbies (or at least productive ones, I don't count mindlessly scrolling social media as a hobby) than prior generations, so I don't quite know how to go about screen policies when lots of value is coming from these screen-based activities. That's not to say that there's no discussion about digital hygiene. However, I would definitely feel uncomfortable about further clamping down screen time here. I know this doesn't really fit neatly in line with a lot of other approaches commonly discussed in these spheres, but I feel like I have to ask.
Good question, and one we have had to wrestle with as well. People may have different approaches to this, but I'll share one that makes sense to me: if the child is still young (under 12) I would steer the digital hobby interest toward a reality-based one. Our youngest for example has a keen interest in planes and flying. Yet rather than allowing him to spend time online with flight simulators, we connected him with the local RC plane club where he learned to build and fly his own rc planes. He is currently working on a replica model of a SR71 cockpit, complete with working RC dials. Through this engagement he got hands-on experience and a much more immersive experience. The same was true of cartography programs that our older son liked, but decided that he would rather develop skill in drawing maps by hand.
With teens, I might have greater flexibility with screen-based hobbies, but would still encourage a real-life component that extends beyond the digital.
Thanks for taking the time to respond and for sharing your personal experience. I think your approach with the local RC plane club is great because it also allows him to develop social skills in addition to become more familiar with the hands-on aspects, but I find that this approach can only be applied sometimes. I am very much in favor of developing skill with physical musical instruments as a foundation, but I am certainly not keen on finding physical analogues for some of the virtual instruments as they tend to be a lot cheaper and don't take up any physical space. The pen being the paintbrush of today allows for a lot of those skills to translate pretty well between the paper and the screen. The process of starting out with sketches on paper and then refining it on the tablet I guess segments it somewhat. And while engineering camps/programs are a great way to link the software to the hardware, I'm kind of at a dead-end on that avenue for more physical opportunities, lest I pull out some old punch cards and floppy disks. Because a lot of these resources come from online communities, whose breadth and depth surpasses a lot of in-persona alternatives in some aspects. While I am certainly much more reluctant to permit contributions to and communications with these communities early on, it would feel criminal to withhold access entirely. Permitting kids to access AI (or AI to access kids) is definitely a big no however, which is getting complicated given that it's starting to get baked into everything, even if that version is still fairly primitive.
I would still say that I don't have all the answers I want to have, and I know I'll probably never get them all, but you've definitely given us some more food for thought. Thanks a lot!
It is only me and my husband who live in our home. Our children are grown with their own families. We have two dinner tables but don't use either. My husband sits in front of the tv with a tv tray. I have tried to sit at the dinner table alone, but I feel awkward. Maybe I should anyway. When I was growing up, we ate all the meals at the dinner table. Mother frowned on eating in any other area of the house. I miss those days. Many good memories of eating at the table and the conversation that accompanied. I don't agree to putting the phone in the trunk of the car. If you are in an accident or have a flat tire etc. You'd not have easy access to the phone. Often, we use the Google map to tell us where to drive. I feel the big problem is social media on the phone. That's the big distraction.
Thanks for your reflection Annette :) Agreed with regard to social media on the phone - I guess the point was that many drivers get distracted by notifications on their phone or scrolling when they should be attending to traffic ( for example, in Canada 26% of traffic accidents involve phone distraction).
Thanks for writing this great piece! We don't have a tv or an iPad and no devices at home for my kids and I don't have a laptop, but my phone is such an addiction/distraction. This gives me a few ideas.
We used to have a tv, but we host an open invite Friday dinner and it's grown and grown until we realized the tv and stand took up too much space and we gave them away to have more room for people.
The motto of my house is from Natasha from War and Peace, when they're fleeing Moscow with their wagons of belongings and the wounded soldiers start pouring in from the battle: "Take out the furniture, put in the wounded."
We encourage other people to try experimenting in Hosting Science! The only rule at our dinners is no phones.
I have yet to finish reading through the article or comments yet (I will), but just had to pause and say how delighted I am to see Carl Larsson paintings feature in this article--he's one of my favorite artists and our picture study artist for this term...I've always thought his paintings are wonderful inspiration for "making a home for humans"...now back to reading :)
Such helpful suggestions, Ruth. I've noticed that one of the big technological hurdles we're having to adjust to socially - as a culture - is that phones are now tied to people rather than places. Landlines are more of a rarity. Because of this, if we have kiddos at scout meetings, etc., we end up in a situation where they need to contact us when a meeting or task is over, and they're relying on using a phone from another individual there. We went ahead and got a 'phone watch' for our oldest, and I've been really pleased with the tone we've struck so far; he can text/call using it, but he can only receive or send messages to people who are approved via an app on my phone; there's also no internet browser capability, etc., so it's really just a point of contact...and in that way, it's been quite helpful in a time when he would otherwise be relying on spotty landline distribution.
The altar point is so interesting; I remember that during the pandemic shutdowns, we got a smart-tv to watch some movies. Our home isn't huge, so we put it opposite the couch, in our living room - and I tried various things over time, like draping a tablecloth over it, etc., to draw attention away from it...still, its presence in the hearth of the home really grated at me. We eventually moved it to our master bedroom, tucked into a corner...and that has changed the dynamic quite well.
Just goes to show how changing our physical spaces can alter more than the physical!
Thanks for your thoughtful comment Kristin! You often share such beautiful images from your home and you came to mind when I shared this post again. Yes, lack of landlines can be a bit of a challenge and "point of contact" devices can be very helpful in this regard.
We had the same experience when we were sharing our home with my mother-in-law who enjoyed watching tv. Fortunately she was agreeable to keeping it turned off around the kids and we also tried various "drapings", but it definitely changes the dynamic of the room when a black hole is no longer the focal point. Thanks again for sharing :)
I have the same questions about the "delay screens" approach. It is a good place to start -- deciding that our kids should not have these types of screens right now -- but as someone who does not use a smartphone, I am not comfortable with the idea that using a smartphone eventually will be a given for my children. As adults, they will of course choose for themselves. But while I have often thought that giving a kid a phone at, say, 16, and then supervising how they learn to use it, has some wisdom, I have also wondered to myself whether it would be better to try to convince them to adopt a dumbphone instead as the "adult" type of phone access rather than presuming that they will eventually get a smartphone and so it ought to be while they are still under my roof/close influence.
The difference of opinion here is about whether to "accept' a certain kind of lifestyle as inevitable or try to give our kids wisdom about what a good life might look like. Kdis will make their own decisions as adults but why presume that this decision will be "I will use a smartphone" or "I will use a smartphone without restriction?"
My own kids have been commenting recently about ways they might restrict their computer and cell phone use as adults. This is unprompted by me -- I guess it's just something that my older kids are beginning to think about as they grow and as they observe the decisions my husband and I make (for ourselves and on behalf of the whole family). My 13-year-old does not *want* a phone...I don't want to teach her to want one.
Also: when we built an addition onto our home a few years ago, we thought a lot about this family focal point ("altar"). We built the addition in order to house a fireplace and a piano, along with seating and a big dining table. Especially in the colder months, this is the natural gathering space for our family and for guests, and the focal points are A) the hearth, B) the artwork and crucifix above the hearth, and C) the piano, all of which are arranged together. I think (hope!) that this directs us toward good ways of spending time together.
Even though I understand the convenience of it, I hate to see a TV mounted above a fireplace. It means that you can't enjoy the hearthside without also seeing the TV right there, even if it is off.
Great points all around Dixie! I think that many young people are growing more aware of the negative impact of continuous and disruptive online access in their hands and long for freedom from this involuntary dependance. Our sixteen-year old still has no phone at all and does not feel the need for one. He gets by perfeclty fine with our landline:)
Having your kids already being conscientious about their usage of technology and developing plans for self-regulation sounds like you've already been spared some future headaches. Nationally, even globally, there's been decline in impulse control, so having your kids being this aware this early is definitely a blessing.
Also sounds like you've built a really nice and cozy altar; hopefully the piano is seeing good use.
We are at my parents house right now and they have a big tv over their gas fireplace. We have no tv and only watch shows on a family iPad that can be put away. Our fireplace mantle is our prayer corner, so our fireplace in surrounded by icons. Our hearth is a gathering place that transcends time and space. In contrast, a TV steals the power of the hearth as a place for gathering!
That Tolkien quote is our house motto. We commissioned a simple work of art with those words and hangs above our mantle.
I really like the idea of making a choice instead of progress making the choice for us. We should be disgusted at the agency we've lost.
Really?! What a perfect motto - would love to see a picture :)
I'll send you a message
Absolutely beautiful!
This is the useful insight we can take from many of the Amish: that their default is to reject new technology, and wait to see its effect on the "English" first.
For example, they saw that when people got cars, they stopped visiting neighbours on the weekend, and instead drove to another town. So cars broke up relationships with neighbours and the hometown's community. Whereas tractors can't really be driven to the next town, but are useful in farming. This is why some of the Amish will have tractors, but not cars - it's not the internal combustion engine they object to, but the breakdown in community.
Indeed! And it will take more than curing our personal addiction to "progress"... gotta convince the community.
It begins with you and me. More powerful than you think.
When I was a teenager I said I'd be happy to be a stay at home father. I was told I was gay, etc. Nowadays it's still unusual but doesn't really raise eyebrows.
I think of how thirty years ago I was friends with some gay people, and not even they talked about gay marriage. It wasn't asked for and rejected, it wasn't even asked for. And now?
Thirty years ago only hippies had solar panels, now it's a sign of middle class status, since you have to own your own home to put them up, and have some spare cash.
Lots of things seem radical until they become ordinary. Live your life as you think it's be good for everyone to live, and act as though it's normal.
https://substack.com/@warburtonexpat/p-145757325
I would love to see the picture too, if you'd be willing to share! The first thing I thought when I re-read that quote in this post was, "we really need to hang that up somewhere in our house."
I'd post it here but I don't see how I can include photos in replies. I'll send you a message.
I can restack it as a note if that is ok with you :)
sure that's fine, probably much easier than DMing everyone
This week a guest visiting our home for the first time suddenly said “I’ve just realized why this room is so peaceful! There’s no TV in here!” I was so glad because I have tried so hard to cultivate peacefulness in hospitality.
I know this is only an option for folks with land, but I can't speak highly enough of our decision to have our home office in an outbuilding. Our computers (and I don't have a smartphone) are out of sight, and out of mind in the home environment, and one needs to 'go to work' by going outside and walking to the office to get access. No TV in the home, either - and it's so helpful in nurturing our children's imagination that their stories come in the form of books or of old-fashioned oral tradition storytelling.
I agree about the limits of the 'delay' approach. Why not build a different, more soulful way of life instead?
That is such an excellent idea! Our teenage son has actually converted our garden shed into a mini study studio, complete with a cot, small table, chair, and shelves, where he goes to complete his work when he wants to be free from distraction. Also, I fully agree with the direction of building a "different, more soulful way of life". Thanks for sharing Mark :)
I can personally vouch for an app called ScreenZen for anyone looking to reduce mobile phone screen time. It offers a lot of options and settings for limiting or even blocking apps, making it easy to ease into the habit of looking at your phone less and less. It's been a big help for me in cutting that particular tech cord.
Thanks for your recommendation Anna!
> What is the altar of your home? Does it reflect what you want to be at the center of your focus?
The focal points of our living room are the bookshelves, the big picture window, and the piano, which sometimes surprises folks who look around for a TV 😆 Our big kitchen table is another highlight of our home for me (I’m always a bit confused and saddened when we visit a home that doesn’t have a table large enough for even the members of the household to sit down to a meal together). We used to have a hanging display over the table of cards we’ve received in the mail, but it needs to be re-hung thanks to young kids and cats…
Sounds lovely :) We just purchased a Mennonite-made table that extends up to ten feet and can seat 18 people! It will be a great motivator to hosts some fall feasts :)
We have one that seats 14 comfortably and 16 in a pinch! Such a useful thing to have.
Over the course of reading this Substack, I've finally achieved my longtime goal of making the switch from an iPhone to a flip phone. The flip phone lives on its dock in the kitchen, and lights up obviously when I receive a text or call, so there's no need to pick it up to "check" anything.
I weaned myself off of my iPhone in stages. Many people tell me that they wish they could stop using a smart phone, but they need (or "need") it for particular reasons. I encourage them to start by deleting anything that isn't on that list of needs. And then keep trimming, step by step, starting with things that can be done on a laptop/desktop (eg, email). Another helpful switch is to turn your display to grayscale, which makes the phone incredibly dull to look at. (I should add that I quit social media years ago-- perhaps that is the very very first step.)
It is important to remember that one reason we bought into the idea of having a smart phone is because they truly are convenient, which means that not having one will often be inconvenient, at least in the short term. If you don't have one, there are going to be things that you just can't do anymore, or perhaps you will need to use a different tool (a cd player? a camera? a calculator?). There is always a trade-off. What is most important to you in the long run?
For those ready to make the leap, I like my flip phone from Sunbeam Wireless. I chose a model with voice-to-text (an extra fee of $40 per year), touch screen, and maps and weather. Sunbeam allows you to choose which features you want on your phone, and which ones you don't.
Next step...stop spending too much time on Substack. ;)
Thanks Ruth and Peco for your good work!
Rachel, so glad to hear that you have found some practical encouragement from our writing and that it has led to real life changes. Thanks also for sharing your specific suggestions!
I really enjoyed this piece, Ruth! I'm a long-time reader and one thing I've done more intentionally since joining these conversations around home & tech is simply to keep "handiwork" more handy! (For me in this season, that looks like cross-stich or colored pencils and a coloring book.) If reaching for something is easy, I'm more likely to do it. We have books strewn everywhere, but if I've been reading or writing all day, I need something else to do in the evening.
Right now in our main room we have a beautiful "drinks cabinet", on top of which sits flowers and pictures of our beloved dead. Above it is an icon. I love that this piece is visually pleasing, spiritually uplifting, and holds the wine and glasses with which we serve our guests. It feels very Catholic. :)
I believe in the value of a family table, and I've always tried to own tables that can be extended to seat large groups, but I also want to speak up for those of us for whom square footage is at an absolute premium! :) We are likely going to be moving to a tiny cottage with only one (very small!) main room and a galley kitchen: there's simply no place for a table *and* comfortable seating. But this doesn't mean we don't plan to host people or foster good conversations over drinks. That can be done with or without a table! I mention this only because sometimes online it can feel like one has to conform - but as you've shared in this piece and elsewhere, it takes some creative thought to live outside the box. :)
Thanks so much for adding your thoughts here Kerri :) Sounds like you have a very pleasing and meaningful focal point in your home. Also, I appreciate your comment about space, and how it does not need to limit our ability to host gatherings. We have some lovely friends in an outport in Newfoundland who hosted the most wonderful parties in their tiny two-room home (one room downstairs and one upstairs). The table was simply pushed to the wall and contained a splendid spread of food and everyone would simply grab a spot on a stool, chair, couch, or armrest. We spent some of our most "convivial" evenings in that tiny house by the ocean :)
That’s a beautiful picture of conviviality, in a little house by the sea!
There needs to be time without electronic interruption, and other time of work/research/communication, also without interruption. Smartphones are just wrong because they are both intrusive and inadequate, but set to give those little bits of quick positive feedback, TRAINING US to respond to them.
Laptop, flip-phone, no texts, vegetable gardens, bike-rides.... Separated.
When you don't text, people don't call much, either.
I note that the World Health Organization and others have some guidelines around screen time for children. However, they have none at all for adults. This is like having dietary and exercise guidelines for children, but not adults. Surely if something is good or bad for children, it's good or bad for adults, too?
This is, of course, a separate question to the content of those screens.
I am currently dipping into a book on the history of food and governmental regulations around it. It is notable that industry continually managed to push back around health guidelines so that we can only talk about "nutrients" but not specific foods being good/bad for you. I can only imagine the immense pushback around suggested screen time limits given the immense profit connected to keeping eyeballs on devices.
Oh, and you know what else the Japanese healthy guidelines say?
"Enjoy communication at the table with your family and/or other people and participate in preparation of meals."
and
"Notice your stress at early stage
Barometer for sleep is pleasant wake-up
The body and heart is refreshed by taking a bath
Feel healthy spirit by putting yourself in nature
Enrich your life by meeting and strengthening bonds with others"
Radical stuff!
https://www.dietitian.or.jp/english/health/
Nonetheless, the health guidelines are there. In most countries they’re presented in an overly-complex way, but that’s not the fault of the food industry, it’s just that it was all designed by committees, and people who are experts in health, not communication.
For example, in Australia a “serve” of fruit is 150g, and a “serve” of vegetables is 75g. Why the difference? Well, I tracked down the document summarising their reassessment of the guidelines, which they do every decade or so, it was over 400 pages. I’m probably the only person without a PhD in nutrition who bothered reading it all. Anyway, the Australian guidelines derived from American guidelines and data. When I dug into that, I learned that the US had a committee for vegetables, and a separate committee for fruit, and they argued what a “serve” should be - they eventually compromised and at least made one an integral multiple of the other.
I like the Japanese guidelines. They talk about “green”, “yellow” and “red” foods - fruit/vegetables, starchy stuff, and protein-rich stuff like meat, fish and dairy. Beans fit in all three.
Start with a small plate with an even balance of the three. If you want to lose weight, reduce the yellow. If you do endurance stuff, increase the yellow. If your guts don’t work well or you lack energy, increase the green. If you lift weights, increase the red.
And obviously, fresh ingredients are better than processed ones. An apple is better than apple juice, or a fruit bar. A steak is better than a meat pie. Wholegrains better than ground up into sludge. We know all this already.
And that’s how you communicate with people - tell them what they already know.
“Is it better to have more fresh fruit and vegies, or less?”
“Is it better to have more meat, fish and beans, or less?”
“Is it better to have more wholegrain, or more stuff ground to mush?”
“Is it better to have more soft drinks and booze, or less?”
“Is it better to go for a walk every day, or sit on your arse all day?”
People know this already. Tell them what they already know, and they might do it. Tell them a bunch of muddled stuff and nobody will do it.
Simply remarkable.
However, I'm not sure how to get people around me to understand this reality, never mind just acknowledging it. It's kind of exasperating to observe and see how deep the tentacles of the machines have already grown on my fellow human beings. And these are not strangers, no. They're family, close friends.
But thank you...
I'm still unpacking this.
Great article! As someone who found the tips from After Babel to be fairly hackneyed in this regard it's nice to see a much more in-depth look at the implementations.
One question I would ask, that I have not seen commonly raised, is for advice in dealing with kids whose favorite/main hobbies are screen-based, like digital art, programming, music, etc. It feels like kids these days have less hobbies (or at least productive ones, I don't count mindlessly scrolling social media as a hobby) than prior generations, so I don't quite know how to go about screen policies when lots of value is coming from these screen-based activities. That's not to say that there's no discussion about digital hygiene. However, I would definitely feel uncomfortable about further clamping down screen time here. I know this doesn't really fit neatly in line with a lot of other approaches commonly discussed in these spheres, but I feel like I have to ask.
Good question, and one we have had to wrestle with as well. People may have different approaches to this, but I'll share one that makes sense to me: if the child is still young (under 12) I would steer the digital hobby interest toward a reality-based one. Our youngest for example has a keen interest in planes and flying. Yet rather than allowing him to spend time online with flight simulators, we connected him with the local RC plane club where he learned to build and fly his own rc planes. He is currently working on a replica model of a SR71 cockpit, complete with working RC dials. Through this engagement he got hands-on experience and a much more immersive experience. The same was true of cartography programs that our older son liked, but decided that he would rather develop skill in drawing maps by hand.
With teens, I might have greater flexibility with screen-based hobbies, but would still encourage a real-life component that extends beyond the digital.
Hope that answers your question :)
Thanks for taking the time to respond and for sharing your personal experience. I think your approach with the local RC plane club is great because it also allows him to develop social skills in addition to become more familiar with the hands-on aspects, but I find that this approach can only be applied sometimes. I am very much in favor of developing skill with physical musical instruments as a foundation, but I am certainly not keen on finding physical analogues for some of the virtual instruments as they tend to be a lot cheaper and don't take up any physical space. The pen being the paintbrush of today allows for a lot of those skills to translate pretty well between the paper and the screen. The process of starting out with sketches on paper and then refining it on the tablet I guess segments it somewhat. And while engineering camps/programs are a great way to link the software to the hardware, I'm kind of at a dead-end on that avenue for more physical opportunities, lest I pull out some old punch cards and floppy disks. Because a lot of these resources come from online communities, whose breadth and depth surpasses a lot of in-persona alternatives in some aspects. While I am certainly much more reluctant to permit contributions to and communications with these communities early on, it would feel criminal to withhold access entirely. Permitting kids to access AI (or AI to access kids) is definitely a big no however, which is getting complicated given that it's starting to get baked into everything, even if that version is still fairly primitive.
I would still say that I don't have all the answers I want to have, and I know I'll probably never get them all, but you've definitely given us some more food for thought. Thanks a lot!
It is only me and my husband who live in our home. Our children are grown with their own families. We have two dinner tables but don't use either. My husband sits in front of the tv with a tv tray. I have tried to sit at the dinner table alone, but I feel awkward. Maybe I should anyway. When I was growing up, we ate all the meals at the dinner table. Mother frowned on eating in any other area of the house. I miss those days. Many good memories of eating at the table and the conversation that accompanied. I don't agree to putting the phone in the trunk of the car. If you are in an accident or have a flat tire etc. You'd not have easy access to the phone. Often, we use the Google map to tell us where to drive. I feel the big problem is social media on the phone. That's the big distraction.
Thanks for your reflection Annette :) Agreed with regard to social media on the phone - I guess the point was that many drivers get distracted by notifications on their phone or scrolling when they should be attending to traffic ( for example, in Canada 26% of traffic accidents involve phone distraction).
Thanks for writing this great piece! We don't have a tv or an iPad and no devices at home for my kids and I don't have a laptop, but my phone is such an addiction/distraction. This gives me a few ideas.
We used to have a tv, but we host an open invite Friday dinner and it's grown and grown until we realized the tv and stand took up too much space and we gave them away to have more room for people.
The motto of my house is from Natasha from War and Peace, when they're fleeing Moscow with their wagons of belongings and the wounded soldiers start pouring in from the battle: "Take out the furniture, put in the wounded."
We encourage other people to try experimenting in Hosting Science! The only rule at our dinners is no phones.
https://faithandwitness.org/2024/07/16/how-about-dinner/
Wonderful! Thanks for sharing Kate :) I especially love your home's motto "Take out the furniture, put in the wounded."
I have yet to finish reading through the article or comments yet (I will), but just had to pause and say how delighted I am to see Carl Larsson paintings feature in this article--he's one of my favorite artists and our picture study artist for this term...I've always thought his paintings are wonderful inspiration for "making a home for humans"...now back to reading :)
Yes, Carl Larsson is a perfect fit for inspiring a “home made for humans” :)
Such helpful suggestions, Ruth. I've noticed that one of the big technological hurdles we're having to adjust to socially - as a culture - is that phones are now tied to people rather than places. Landlines are more of a rarity. Because of this, if we have kiddos at scout meetings, etc., we end up in a situation where they need to contact us when a meeting or task is over, and they're relying on using a phone from another individual there. We went ahead and got a 'phone watch' for our oldest, and I've been really pleased with the tone we've struck so far; he can text/call using it, but he can only receive or send messages to people who are approved via an app on my phone; there's also no internet browser capability, etc., so it's really just a point of contact...and in that way, it's been quite helpful in a time when he would otherwise be relying on spotty landline distribution.
The altar point is so interesting; I remember that during the pandemic shutdowns, we got a smart-tv to watch some movies. Our home isn't huge, so we put it opposite the couch, in our living room - and I tried various things over time, like draping a tablecloth over it, etc., to draw attention away from it...still, its presence in the hearth of the home really grated at me. We eventually moved it to our master bedroom, tucked into a corner...and that has changed the dynamic quite well.
Just goes to show how changing our physical spaces can alter more than the physical!
Thanks for your thoughtful comment Kristin! You often share such beautiful images from your home and you came to mind when I shared this post again. Yes, lack of landlines can be a bit of a challenge and "point of contact" devices can be very helpful in this regard.
We had the same experience when we were sharing our home with my mother-in-law who enjoyed watching tv. Fortunately she was agreeable to keeping it turned off around the kids and we also tried various "drapings", but it definitely changes the dynamic of the room when a black hole is no longer the focal point. Thanks again for sharing :)