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Thank you, Ruth and Erin, for a terrific interview. Many good, and deeply wise, points here.

An uncomfortable issue I've been wrestling with the past two months: I've never been on social media in any meaningful way - except Substack. It feels clear to me that Substack is better than other forms of social media with the use of long-form, thoughtful content, including much critique of the digital world. Yet, the place where I feel all of these conflicts and dynamics that you and Erin talked about at play in my own psyche is... Substack. While it's a slower social media, I still encounter an algorithm in the background encouraging me to sign up to read more authors, feeding me articles or quotes that are tailored to my interests, and regular messages encouraging me to post more, cross-post in collaboration with other authors, etc - all with the goal of having all of us on the platform more. I've come to think it's still social media, with all of the background dynamics, but designed for intellectuals. Erin responded to your daughter's question with the reply that there's no good way to engage with social media, when the net effects (positive and negative) are viewed as a whole.. Is that also true here?

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Mark, I feel that you are spot on with your observation! Although there is a lot more wholesome content, wonderfully thoughtful writers and readers, and encouraging communities, the algorithm lurks in Substack as well. I think there are still substantial benefits here, which is why we choose to communicate on this medium, but we have had to set strict guidelines for ourselves, aiming only to share with readers what we feel is truly of value, trying our best to ignore metrics, and limiting our interaction time online.

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Yes, that's feels like the crux of my ongoing discernment - how heavily to weigh 'the medium is the message' vs. the substantial benefits of what's offered via this platform. Not sure what the exact balance is, and it's bound to be unique to each person or family's circumstances. Glad to hear about some of your own guidelines....

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I think about the richness of the community Erin describes - families bringing over children to play together, mothers having coffee, et al. - and it sounds beautiful. It also feels really inaccessible to someone like myself who is unwittingly single in my late 30s. I am fortunate to have versions of this available to me on Sundays at church, or at music rehearsals, or my monthly book club and supper club...but I do think about what I'm missing out on, not having the same family inputs available to create community like this. I think that increases the pull of simulacra of community for me: watching TV to feel like a conversation is happening, listening to podcasts to feel like I'm hanging out with people, staring at my laptop to feel like I'm connected to the outside world in some way. I wonder how the opt-out lifestyle might work in the internal life of a one-person household like mine. Would the silence be too overwhelming?

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Thanks so much for raising this important issue! How are we to find community if we have no family? How are we to feel connected if we are alone? The online world provides some relief but recognize that it is a mere shadow of real community. I think the point you make here is deserving of further discussion (beyond a simple answer here) as we know that many people share your experience. We'll take not of this and plan to address your question in one of our upcoming essays.

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Thanks Ruth, I appreciate your writing and this Substack so I'll look forward to that.

I should clarify: I do have a family; I just don't personally have a spouse or children. I have my parents, my sibling and their spouse & kids, cousins, etc. But, like so many people, I don't live in the same city as any of them. It's an eight- to ten-hour drive or a short flight to see them, so they're not inaccessible, but it's also not a matter of going around the corner for Sunday dinner every week. I do wonder sometimes if going off to seek job opportunities elsewhere is the thing that causes so much of this anomie, but I also wanted to see the world! It's a difficult balance between wanting to be rooted in one place and avoiding being "stuck" in one place, with all the insularity that can bring.

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Jun 12Liked by Ruth Gaskovski

Yes, I think it is harder as a single person. I lived alone for 10 years, and for the last couple of those years I was in a really isolated place (physically, it was very remote). Covid happened during those two years too, so suddenly I wasn't even getting social contact through work. I was aware how much I was over-using social media, but I think I would have been driven up the wall without anyone to 'talk' to at all. The isolation of that time was actually too much, and I ended up moving back home because I needed to be around people again. It's only since doing that that I've been able to quit social media and stick to it. I'd say it's far more of a challenge for people who don't have a family at home.

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Jun 11Liked by Ruth Gaskovski

Oh, Happy Day! What a way to start my day reading this interview. My solution is/was so very much more simple to tell the truth: I just pulled the plug on TV, do not "Open" the device, never owned a cell phone, and have opted OUT of some streaming programs, etc. I jealously guard my privacy all the time and stick to books for quality of information and entertainment. Music is still very big on my agenda, however. Until AI takes over (and it will/has), I will continue to enjoy an online experience with it and its performance artists. But, even they are now threatened with AI created FAKE performances and artists just to make more MONEY. For those of us paying attention, we are learning some basic and important facts about ourselves and human behaviour in the present world - a world that has never before existed for humans to confront and/or contest. Brave New World, so to say. With authors like these, We Can Do This!

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This is a great interview, and I can relate very much to most of Erin's points.

When I published my first book a few years ago – a non-fiction/self-help book about slowness, mindfulness and minimalism – I was grateful that a big publisher took me on, even though I'd deleted most of my social media channels. Just their PR rep didn't understand my decision at all. That concept of "going off-grid" was totally alien to her. I mean, I even had a chapter in the book on the benefits of leaving social media! Her answer was that in today's attention economy, an author can't "afford such moral concerns"!

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Great to hear that you found resonnance with Erin's perspective. Yes, finding a publisher that does not expect a strong social media following (even though this does not actually translate into booksales) is almost an impossibility now. I frequently encounter a puzzled reaction when people learn I don't use a cell phone; they simply cannot fathom why a person would make such a choice. When I once had a conversation with a service provider and told him that we don't need the tv package because we don't have a tv, he was flabbergasted and asked, "But what do you do with your free time?"

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Jun 13Liked by Ruth Gaskovski

I just loved reading this. Ive been contemplating getting rid of Instagram- my only social platform other than Substack. I got rid of Facebook in 2018 and never missed it. I have a substantial following, but the losses are far outweighing the benefits for me, especially as a mum of three young kids. There is something very sinister happening on Instagram— it’s such a subtle manipulation of our lives. We find ourselves thinking in terms of reels and when we do put the phone away in the draw, we have shorter patience with our kids. I’m starting to believe there isn’t a healthy way, anymore. This is very encouraging (albeit, a grim insight!). Thank you all! Xx

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Thanks for adding your reflections Peta. To me the patience issue acts like a thermometer - if I am short because I am focused on something online I have my priorities upside down. I have noticed myself that I am infinitely more patient when I have had an extensive screen break.

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Great interview. I think a lot about the inappropriate content stuff in regards to my kids. The first time I saw something really explicit on the internet was when I visited an internet cafe as a 20 yr old and saw a kid on another computer looking up extremely graphic content. But today, small children apparently encounter that stuff all the time. That kind of content is troubling in general, but the fact that it's becoming accessible to kids at younger and younger ages is awful — so it's good to read insights from people who are thinking critically about this and figuring out how to live a more digitally disconnected life.

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Glad to hear you found the interview insightful Jim :) Yes, the point about the omnipresence of graphic images online is truly striking and disturbing. Images cannot be unseen and the fact that so many children are having their innocence ripped away from them is awful indeed.

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Jun 11Liked by Ruth Gaskovski

Fantastic interview Ruth. I remember reading Erin’s book Chasing Slow several years ago and really enjoyed it 🌿

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A terrific interview -- you asked excellent questions, Ruth.

My three kids are all in their early twenties, having played outside all during childhood. (We got rid of the tv when the eldest was 2.) They are the "weird ones:" they aren't on social media, spend little time on their phones... and therefore struggle to find peers with whom they can go on adventures or even have meaningful conversations.

Rejecting the mainstream -- as many have experienced, thanks to covid -- can be a lonely endeavor. That's why I'm grateful to Substack for providing a place where some kind of connection, imperfect and virtual though it is, can be had. I've actually met up in person with a number of the commenters (and fellow writers) on The Art of Freedom, and I'd love to join you on El Camino in 2025. Gratitude to you and Peco... xox

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Thanks for your reflections and kind words Mary :) We'd love to have you along on the Camino next year! It's wonderful that you have been able to meet up in person with some of your readers, as bringing our words into real life connections is truly what we aim for. The pilgrimage will provide a truly unique opportunity for extended conversations while walking and enjoying fellowship over delicious meals (something even the best virtual connections cannot offer :)

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P.S. -- Wanted to mention that Silicon Valley tech execs used to send their kids to Waldorf Schools; not sure if that's still the case? They knew exactly how addictive their products were.

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Pretty sure it is still the case. Wish Waldorf was more accessible for all price wise.

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Jun 11·edited Jun 11Liked by Ruth Gaskovski

Thanks for this. I'll include this in today's blog post, at the very end, food for thought.

We raised our kids without personal devices (now 30-35 years of age) and let them play by the creek unsupervised... (Crimes, I know.) We sold the house and cars and traveled the world with our loaded bikes, and with backpack, for 9 months in 2005-2006. They finished as young adults, ages 13, 14, 15 and 16, and slid back into school after spring break, finishing their schoolyears with their classes...

My wife is an elementary school librarian, and tells me regularly about the lack of socialization and lack of experimentation in all the little and older kids now. they all make towers of blocks the one same way. "Virtual school" was a disaster for all aspects of socialization.

Kids learn cognitive and social skills and strategies in developmental stages. We have a couple of generations of "bonsai humans" by now. There are toddlers everywhere with mom's smartphone, not noticing the world they should be actively engaging.

;-(

Our "kids" are alright, though. Really;, but I won't brag.

:-)

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Sep 9Liked by Ruth Gaskovski

This was a fascinating interview. I'm currently on a 40 day fast from social media, and am wondering if I'll go back. It's interesting as a result of this I have been spending more time on Substack, and noticing that there is an algorithm here too! I've been wondering that too - how the tech is so powerful it's almost impossible to use it moderately.

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We have done some "communal fasting" with readers here and many of them have decided to quit social media for good. (See here for some of their experiences https://schooloftheunconformed.substack.com/p/sacred-synchronies-how-to-restore-232. Substack is just as tempting if not more so, because people here have lots of interesting in-depth pieces to offer (and they are nice too!).

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I have had this in post in my email box for almost a month. This is a fantastic interview. And it's not only pertinent to young families but also to me--a retired pediatrician, living in a condo with my wife and adult daughter. I wish I had had the Opt-Out Family book to recommend to parents in my practice. Despite having followed Ruth and Peco for only a short time, I can see why she interviewed Erin. I had no idea who Erin was, possibly indicating I was online less often than I thought :-)

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Glad to hear that you enjoyed the interview John :) It would indeed be wonderful to have pediatricians recommend books such as this one to families!

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Jun 14Liked by Ruth Gaskovski

This is a special interview. Thank you for the well-crafted questions, Ruth, and for the compassionate, insightful responses, Erin. Looking forward to reading the book.

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Thank you for sharing this interview. I took some fairly drastic steps last year to dumb down my smartphone. I can't get rid of it entirely because my work requires the use of 3 different apps. But other than that, it's just a phone, no browser, email, social, etc. And it's wonderfully liberating.

This interview encourages me to get off the socials on desktop too.

I had written a post once about how the algorithm is like living with nuclear waste.

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Just returning from a three-day trip in the Alps where I had no phone, no screens, and truly seemed to forget about this alternate online world...Yes, work requirements are often quite impossible to circumvent, but it seems you are taking very deliberate (and liberating steps). Please feel free to link your post :)

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thanks! https://mperrone.substack.com/p/living-with-radioactive-waste?r=9dybp

Sounds like an absolutely peaceful and ideal 3 day trip!

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Jun 14Liked by Ruth Gaskovski

Great interview!! I pre-oredered her book a few months ago and was excited to get it this week!!

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I’m really glad you asked the question about the contradiction of critiquing tech while simultaneously making money off said tech. Before reading this, I listened to Loechner’s interview on the Farmhouse on Boone podcast (their entire income comes from social media content creation). The show notes had links to all their social media accounts. I’m just kind of constantly confused by the admonishments to get off the internet from people who are constantly creating more content … for the internet. Are internet content creators pivoting toward traditional, in person jobs? If we all put the internet in its proper place, there probably wouldn’t be many opportunities for people to derive an income from it. But it also seems like a lot of people want to derive an income from it!! (If the constant ask for paid subscriptions is any indication ;) ). I am speaking generally here and not criticizing anyone in particular. I know it is a tricky issue that a lot of people are discerning. I appreciate how this Substack is transparent! Interested on your thoughts, Ruth!

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Hi Kathleen, thanks for your thoughtful question. Yes it's tricky and indeed a contradiction. I cannot speak for anyone else, but can say that Peco and I are very deliberate in creating content that directs people toward the real world by offering insights and practical guidance that we have gained from our own experience as a family. We do not create content for content's sake but write essays as part of a book project that we are working on. We could create a lot more 'paid' perks but choose not to (because it would mean less time with our family and our actual daily lives) and instead are grateful for people who freely choose to support our work because they find it valuable. We indeed offer all of our essays for free when they are published because we feel that anyone who would like to change their relationship toward technology should be supported in doing so. We do not keep any social media accounts apart from Substack and do not promote our work anywhere else, but are happy that so many readers are finding encouragement that leads to concrete positive chages in their lives. I hope that adds a bit of insight into our perspective :)

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Thanks Ruth! I think you do a great job with this Substack and I’ve always respected your transparency (I hope my comment didn’t come off as a critique of you. I didn’t mean it that way. I have benefited from your work & I’m glad you’re tackling this issue!) I guess my critique is more along the lines of Tsh’s great piece about “don’t just talk about unplugging, actually unplug” which I know you do! Maybe I just need to start with myself :)

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I think we all need a bit of critique, and Tsh's piece spoke to me deeply (and I took no offense at your comment :). None of us (or very few) are immune to the lure of tech and its easy perks, and this counts for me as much as anyone else. It takes continuous discernment, recommitment, and deliberate practice.

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Towers of unknown cost is perfect - thank you!

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I thought that was a great answer!

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